Season Four · Episode One · Transcript
Who Am I Now?
Sarah Spencer · Change Happened, Then What?
This transcript follows the spoken episode and has been formatted for readability.
Episode Transcript
Sarah Spencer
And then after he passed, I really didn’t know who I was. Who am I now? What, what happened? You know, it was all so fast. I just feel lost without them. Oh, this is so hard.
Heather Holt
Hello friends, welcome to episode 1 of season 4, Becoming the Light. I am so glad you’re here. Whether this is your very first time or whether you’ve been walking beside us since season 1, thank you for making this community what it has become. One of my favorite parts of creating this show isn’t just telling these stories. It’s hearing how they continue long after the episode ends. This week, I want to give a huge shout out to Jen. She was featured in season 1. Her story was ADHD, Loss, and the Power of Starting Over. She has supported this podcast in every way possible. Her kindness and generosity do not go unnoticed. Thank you, Jen. And don’t forget to stay with me through today’s final echo for a chance to win some Change Happened Then What merch. I’m Heather Holt, and welcome to Change Happened Then What? Most of us spend our lives collecting identities. A daughter or a son. We become parents, business owners, caregivers. We’re friends and lovers of animals. We wear them for so long that they begin to feel permanent. Until one day, life quietly starts taking them away. Not all at once, but one by one. And somewhere in the silence that follows, a question begins to emerge: who am I without the things that have always told me who I am? Today’s story is going to follow Sarah Spencer. At first glance, you might think her story is about grief, horses, Entrepreneurship. And although all of that’s here, her story is really about something more. It’s about what happens after the identities you’ve relied on begin to disappear. And the courage it takes to remain in that space long enough to discover who you’re becoming.
Sarah Spencer
Well, I think the earliest memory I have is when I was, I think, 5 years old, and he had a very, very bad alcohol problem. And I gathered all of my stuffed animals off my bed. And I offered him every single toy. And I said, I will give you everything I own if you would just stop drinking. And he couldn’t do it. And he, he relayed that story years later. I was a teenager at an AA meeting. And he’d had quite a few years of sobriety at that point. And he said, that was the most heartbreaking thing, that I couldn’t even promise a little 5-year-old girl that I could stop drinking. So.
Heather Holt
Alcohol doesn’t just change the person struggling with addiction. It changes the family around them. Children often become observers long before they become adults. They learn to read moods, anticipate conflict, adapt to uncertainty, because home has taught them that certainty isn’t guaranteed. And that’s the world Sarah grew up in.
Sarah Spencer
It was typical chaos, you know, when, when you have an alcoholic parent and you have a codependent parent, it makes it really challenging. And of course, you know, I was growing up in the ’80s. So that was the time where it was better to just stay outside. I mean, we would go from 8 o’clock in the morning and not get home until like 6 o’clock. And then of course, go outside and play Martians till 9 or 10. That was, that was growing up, you know. So I, I guess I learned to be pretty independent. And I don’t feel too badly about that. I am grateful that, you know, my father did get the help that he needed, and I’m so proud of him for having— I think he had like 40 or 50 years of sobriety.
Heather Holt
Just as life at home began to settle, another challenge would arrive. Sarah was just 13 when her mother was diagnosed with breast cancer. Not long afterward, Sarah found herself critically ill too.
Sarah Spencer
I went to a beach party with a friend of mine, and we were just hanging out on Lake Champlain, and all of a sudden I was itching, you know, on my thigh, and then before I knew it, I couldn’t see anything, and I had blisters head to toe. I couldn’t speak, I couldn’t see, I couldn’t touch anything because I was just covered in blisters. Very painful time. My mother was diagnosed with breast cancer. And I was sitting in the backseat of the car when my parents found this out, and they turned to me, both of them, and said, don’t talk to your sisters about this until we get to them. But I internalized a lot of that to the point where I think my body just exploded with this illness. And I think my subconscious was like, well, you know, I’m gonna suck all of this in, and I’m not gonna tell anybody what’s going on or how I really feel.
Heather Holt
Whether those experiences were connected or not, one thing is undeniable. Sarah learned early what it felt like to carry more than anyone else could see. And sometimes the stories we never tell still find a way to be heard.
Sarah Spencer
Very grateful that I was the girl who lived, actually, at 13 years old and I was disfigured for a while from the blisters, but I healed, which was great. And it really taught me at a very early age to appreciate everything that comes in, the, the contrast as well as the, the good things that come along.
Heather Holt
What Sarah experienced is called Stevens-Johnson syndrome, a very rare and serious condition that can cause painful blisters and peeling of the skin. It also affects the body’s mucous membranes. Sarah was one of the fortunate ones. She healed, and healing created space for something unexpected— a walk to a barn and a group of horses that lived close by. This would become far more than a hobby for her. It would become the first place she truly felt she belonged.
Sarah Spencer
I, you know, I’d gone through my illness and stuff, and I was looking for something. And I went for a walk, and I saw these guys that were jogging horses with harness racing Standardbreds. And I said, oh, that would be kind of fun. It was right around the corner from my house. I didn’t even realize they were doing this. And so I went down and started volunteering, mucking stalls and brushing horses and learning a little bit about driving. And Started driving horses, took lessons when I could. We didn’t have a lot of money in my family. So we just, you know, I took lessons when I could and learned the hard way and bounced around bareback for a while till somebody pitied me and gave me a saddle.
Heather Holt
Looking back, it’s easy to see why horses became so much more than animals. In a childhood marked by uncertainty, they offered something steady. They didn’t ask Sarah to fix anyone. They didn’t ask her to keep secrets. They simply asked her to show up. And she did, over and over again. Without realizing it, Sarah wasn’t just finding a place to spend her time. She was beginning to build an identity that would stay with her for decades. One that years later would leave her asking, who am I now? You’re listening to WYZZ, and this is Honest Bob. Attention trivia fans, it’s time to put those thinking caps on. What’s the answer?
Sarah Spencer
I was listening to the radio and mucking stalls. And I felt terrible because I’m like, oh my gosh, you know, my mother passed away. All my friends are going to college. My mind wasn’t in the game. I could not— I got through one semester at UVM. And I said, the hell with this. Life’s too short. I’m going to hang out with horses. And I felt really left behind. And then there was a radio program going on in the barn. And they were asking a trivia question, and nobody was getting it.
Heather Holt
Oh, no.
Sarah Spencer
So at that time, we didn’t have cell phones. So I jumped in the pickup truck and drove home and picked up the rotary dial phone. I called the radio station and I said, hi, you know, the answer to the trivia question is— and they said, oh, you got a great voice. And I said, oh, you got a job for me? And they said, yeah. And so I hung up the phone.
Heather Holt
Sometimes, The moments that change our lives don’t feel important at all. A radio playing in the background, what seemed like a simple trivia question, a phone call made on a whim. Looking back, it’s easy to connect the dots. Living through them, though, they’re just another ordinary day.
Sarah Spencer
I told my father, I said, I think I just got a job at a radio station. He goes, oh, it’s just, you know, it’s a bit. They’re just pulling your leg. And I said, well, Pop, you always said nothing ventured, nothing gained. I’m going down there. I’m going to go get myself that job. And so I jumped in my truck and I walked in the lobby and there was a woman. And I said, hi, I want a 6-pack of Cherry Coke, 2 tickets to Steeltown, and a job here at the radio station.
Heather Holt
Radio wasn’t just a career. It became another piece of who Sarah understood herself to be. Horsewoman, broadcaster, creative, problem solver. Someone willing to raise her hand and simply ask, do you have a job for me? But even the identities we love have a season.
Sarah Spencer
So I left radio reluctantly. I had a child and I needed to, you know, I said, Wendy’s gotta leave the Lost Boys. You know, it’s fun here, but it wasn’t paying the bills. And I loved radio. I did not want to leave. And so I went and became a pirate, as they say in Hook. You know, my— why, PETA, you’ve become a pirate. And sold my soul. And I made a lot of money, lots and lots of money. But I sold things that I was not happy about selling and learned a lot about the tech markets and worked at some corporate jobs and did all the things they tell you to do and made a lot of money. And it was wonderful for a while until it wasn’t. And I kind of Lost who I was.
Heather Holt
So Sarah did what she’d learned to do through her life. She tried something else. She built something.
Sarah Spencer
So I created a business. It was called Sarah Spencer Solutions, which was the worst domain name possible that I could have possibly created. So later on it became Got Clicks, which was an internet marketing company that I still have today. I created Vermont Chalky Paint, which was a non-toxic paint that was mine manufactured, made here in Vermont. And I learned about margins the very hard way. So yeah, and then I had to close that store. And then I lost my home because my landlords who I loved, they were great. They just retired and I couldn’t find anything I could afford. So I had to just close everything down and I’m I am living with my son and he, you know, he’s delighted.
Heather Holt
As you can see, over the years Sarah had become many things. Each chapter became another thread in the story she told herself about who she was. But the pandemic closed more than the doors of a small business. One by one, pieces of the life Sarah knew were disappearing, and the hardest goodbye was still ahead. Take a deep breath. We’ll be right back. Sometimes the spaces between who we were and who we’re becoming can feel incredibly lonely. It’s a place where so many of us ask questions that don’t have easy answers. If you’ve ever found yourself there, I’d love to share today’s sponsor with you, Liminal Luna. What you may not know is that it wasn’t created by a big tech company looking for the next wellness app. It was created by today’s guest out of her own experience with grief, uncertainty, and wondering who she was after everything familiar had changed. Instead of offering the same meditation to everyone, Liminal Luna begins by asking, where are you today? Then it offers a guided meditation on what you’re actually feeling in that moment, because healing isn’t one size fits all. And neither is becoming. If you’d like to learn more, you can find a link in today’s show notes or visit liminaluna.com and use code CHANGE at checkout to begin your journey for free. Thank you for supporting the sponsors who make these stories possible. Now back to Sarah’s story. There are seasons in life when loss arrives all at once, and then there are seasons when it comes quietly, one goodbye at a time. For Sarah, it wasn’t just her business or her home or the friends and family she had loved. It was all of those things until the one constant in her life was all that remained— her horse, Pusher.
Sarah Spencer
Everything kind of happened, and I didn’t really take the time to examine what went on. And, you know, I just keep going. My father passed away, some very close friends passed away unexpectedly, especially during COVID And I really didn’t process anything until this past winter, um, I had really to come to full stop. It was December 21st, 2025.
Heather Holt
December 21st, the winter solstice, the shortest day of the year, a day marked by darkness and the beginning of the return of the light.
Sarah Spencer
Sarah had no way of knowing her life was about to change I went in the barn to see my horse that I’d had for 24 years. He was 31 years old, and he wasn’t looking good. I was walking him for colic. If you know horses, horses can’t throw up, so their stomachs can twist sometimes, and it can be very dangerous when they have a stomachache. So I was walking him Along this ridge, and he just came to a full stop. And he looked over his shoulder, and that was where there was a graveyard of all the horses. And I said, are you trying to tell me? You know, and he looked back at me and he looked at the graveyard again. And I said, okay, I got it, you know. And his death really was peaceful. The wind was whipping. It was a sunny day, but it was December, and it was— the wind was really cold. But I sat next to him after he passed, and I was so glad that I had done that because I’ve sort of been the, oh my God, you know, I’m freaking out over death. And I was like, I’m done doing that. I want to enjoy life, and I want to enjoy his passing because he had an incredible life. And I want to give him a send-off knowing that, you know, he’s okay and that I’m okay. And that was really important to me. And I sat with a cup of tea. I didn’t move quickly. I just spent time in the moment.
Heather Holt
Sometimes, Love doesn’t need words. Sometimes the final gift we can give is simply refusing to rush the goodbye.
Sarah Spencer
And then after he passed, I really didn’t know who I was because, you know, I’d always been with horses and it was like, who am I now? What happened? You know, it was all so fast. And that’s the second time that I’ve, you know, lost a horse so suddenly. And it just— I just feel lost without them. Oh, this is so hard.
Heather Holt
Maybe it happens after losing someone we love, or a retirement, divorce, Your children leaving home, an illness, or the career we’ve built suddenly disappears. The details are different, but eventually many of us find ourselves asking some version of the same question: Who am I now? There is a name for that place: a liminal space. The space between what was and what comes next. Not quite the person you used to be, not yet the person you’re becoming. And Sarah had finally found a name for the place she had been living in.
Sarah Spencer
So in January, I was, you know, just researching, what is this? You know, I’m not depressed, but I’m also not really 100% me. And I learned that it’s called the liminal phase. And I had never heard of that. I saw liminal rooms and stuff like that on YouTube and stuff, but I didn’t really know what a liminal phase was. And, you know, I recognized that while I felt broken, I also knew that it was temporary. And I think that was really important for me to get across to myself, that this was the space between what I once was and what’s next. And I didn’t know what was— what next was. Did that make sense as a sentence?
Heather Holt
It made perfect sense. And understanding that she wasn’t at the end of something, but somewhere in between, Gave Sarah another way to look at what came next. Grief hadn’t disappeared. She hadn’t suddenly found all the answers. She still missed Pusher. She was still learning who she was becoming. But instead of asking how to get her old life back, another question emerged: What if someone else was feeling this way too?
Sarah Spencer
So I started writing, and I came up with Liminaluna, which is, you know, going through the in-between. So it could be anything that you’re in between careers or between relationships, or you’re going through grief like I did losing Pusher, and between the shock of loss and learning to live again. Like, I can’t access who I used to be, which is really driving me crazy, and learning to just kind of sit with it. So I figured, well, if I’m going through this, there must be some other people too that are going through the same thing.
Heather Holt
Her attention had begun to shift, not away from her grief, but toward the people who might be standing in the same uncertain space.
Sarah Spencer
And wouldn’t it be great if there was a tool that could help go through this. And so I created, um, and I didn’t want it to be just this generic thing of, you know, breathe in, breathe out. I wanted it to really be meaningful. So what I did is I programmed, uh, Liminal Luna to ask these questions. So it’s asking how you feeling or where you’re at in your life. And it’s a personalized meditation. So I ended up recording 127 different meditations that tied directly to whatever that person chose with their daily check-in. And they can do the daily check-in and go ahead and listen to it, or they can do the writing prompts as well. It’s a subscription. And—
Heather Holt
What struck me about what she built wasn’t the technology. It was her intention behind it. Sarah wasn’t trying to tell people how they should feel. She created something that first asked, how are you? Sometimes that is the question we need most.
Sarah Spencer
And then I started looking at a lot of my friends are going through unbelievable challenges. And so I created a gift to be able to give somebody who’s going through the in-between and You know, it’s a gift to give when you don’t know what to say. And so I’ve been giving those gifts out to people who are going through it. And if I don’t have something to say, at least I have something to give. So it’s a journal. It has a pen and some personal note in there.
Heather Holt
There’s something beautifully simple about that. Not trying to fix another person’s pain. Not Searching for the perfect words, just finding a way to say, I see you. Earlier in Sarah’s life, a 5-year-old girl gathered every stuffed animal she owned, hoping she could save her father. Decades later, she wasn’t trying to rescue anyone. She was simply finding a way to remind people they didn’t have to walk through the in-between alone. Maybe becoming isn’t always about discovering a completely new version of ourselves. Sometimes it’s taking everything life has taught us and offering some of it to someone else. It’s tempting to think that every story needs a perfect ending, that grief eventually disappears, life returns to the way it was before. But Sarah didn’t get her old life back. She’s still becoming, and somewhere inside that uncertainty, she found another kind of purpose, not built entirely around what she did, But around how she could be present for someone else. So I asked Sarah, what keeps you smiling today?
Sarah Spencer
Man, so many things. I love, I love being out in the garden. I love being with the sun on my back. I love riding my bicycle. I love hanging out with my dogs. I love seeing somebody have aha moments of something. I love seeing somebody turn around adversity and turn it toward their benefit. You know, those are the things that really make me smile.
Heather Holt
That’s why I love asking that question so much. After every loss, every unexpected turn, every version of ourselves we’ve had to leave behind, there are still things that make us smile. Because joy doesn’t have to disappear. It simply changes shape. And when I asked Sarah for some words of wisdom to leave you with, this is what she said.
Sarah Spencer
It’s temporary. Anything you’re going through, it’s temporary. You know, this, this isn’t going to last forever.
Heather Holt
I had first invited Sarah to share her story before season 1 of Change Happened, Then What? had ever begun. It was the winter before I launched the podcast. She thanked me, but she told me she wasn’t ready. Not yet. I simply respected her answer. Now I understand it differently. There were still chapters of Sarah’s story waiting to be lived. Questions she hadn’t asked yet. A version of herself she hadn’t even met. Had we recorded that conversation, it would have been a different story. Not because what happened before would have changed, but because Sarah was still changing. And then again, aren’t we all still changing? We live in a world that encourages us to move on quickly. Find the lesson, have the answer, know what’s next. But one image from Sarah’s story keeps coming back to me. A woman sitting beside the horse she’d loved for 24 years with a cup of tea on the shortest day of the year. She didn’t rush the goodbye.
Sarah Spencer
She didn’t.
Heather Holt
try to make the moment mean something. She just stayed. And maybe there’s something in that for all of us. Sometimes healing looks like movement. Sometimes it looks like stillness. And sometimes, when we don’t know who we’re becoming yet, all we can do is stay where we are long enough to notice You know, onwards and upwards. If Sarah’s story resonated with you, I’d love to hear about a time when you found yourself living in the in-between. What helped you through it? What are you still learning? You can share your story at changehappenedpodcast.com by clicking the What Changed Me button, and you’ll be entered to win some Change Happened Then What merch. Stay tuned next week. We’re gonna meet Morgan Rich, a man whose story begins with an Olympic dream and changes with the loss of his father. A completely different journey, a completely different story, but underneath it, another question about who we become after life changes us. I hope you’ll join us. Until next time, take care of yourself, take care of each other, and keep looking for the light. Change Happened, Then What? is a production of Holt Hill Studios, hosted and produced by me, Heather Holt, with supervision from the keepers of the hill, Waylon and Dalton. This episode featured Sarah Spencer, a friend, a Vermont radio personality, the creator of Liminal Luna, and an all-around amazing human.