Shawnti Refuge: Episode Transcript

This transcript follows the spoken episode and has been formatted for readability.

Episode Transcript

Heather

This episode is brought to you by Pure Energy Apothecary, a woman-owned skincare and wellness brand founded by my friend Dawn Lancaster. Dawn and I go way back, deep diving into essential oils. We shared a passion for creating intentional products just like the ones Dawn continues to craft today with Pure Energy Apothecary. When Dawn said she wanted to offer you 20% off Pure Energy products, I was thrilled. Pure Energy products are handmade in Vermont with ingredients you can pronounce. And they smell amazing.

They are rooted in real aromatherapy. Visit pureenergyvt.com and use the code PURECHANGE for 20% off just for being a part of the Change Happened community. Pure products, pure purpose, pure energy. Welcome to Change Happened, Then What?, where in Season 2, you'll hear voices drawn here by one thing, change. Each episode brings you a story of hope, unpolished and unfiltered, where stories got messy, where people questioned everything, but also where they found a way forward. And maybe, just maybe, you'll find your own next steps in their words.

Because when life breaks open, that's often when the most beautiful truths finally have room to grow. I'm your host, Heather Holt, and I am so happy to have you here today. Before we dive in, I want to take a quick moment to say thank you to Jean for her financial donation in support of this podcast. If you'd like to help support the growth of Change Happened, Then What? And keep these powerful stories coming, you can make a donation of any size through my website.

Changehappenpodcast.com, and click the Support Us tab. All donations help us reach more listeners and keep this community growing. I also want to give a shout out to Missy, our very first winner. She scored a super soft chucker hat for participating in the listener survey that helped shape season two. That survey actually inspired me to start something new, the Change Challenge. Each month, I'll be doing a fun little giveaway where listeners can win a super soft Change Happened T or Hat just by tuning in and answering a question from this week's episode.

And here's how it works. Stick around to the end of today's episode for this week's change challenge question. All you have to do is listen, go to the website, submit your answer, and you'll be entered to win our monthly giveaway for your chance to win a cozy tee or hat. Now, let's dive in. What happens when you grow up in a world where feelings aren't allowed? For asking for help means you're weak, so you learn to keep everything inside. What happens when getting pregnant at 14 is normal?

When chaos feels like home, and when you start to believe that hurting others or yourself is just the way things are? What if you turn to stealing, not because you need to, but because it's the only way you feel alive? And then one day, you wake up. Today, you'll hear Shanti's story. A story about survival, awakening, and what happens when the walls finally crack. Her breakdown became her breakthrough. The moment she realized the life she'd been living wasn't who she was at all.

This is a story about mental health, truth, and the courage it takes to face yourself for the very first time.

Shawnti

I had my first child when I was 14. It was just like all normalcy, you know. Oh, you're pregnant? Okay, go in the room with all the other pregnant girls. It's like I wasn't the only one. So I got arrested when I was 16 for shoplifting. I didn't do it because I had to. I did it because I wanted to. There were no consequences for me, no punishments, nothing like that. When I became, you know, a certain age, it was just like, oh, you grown now. But I wasn't. I was a kid.

But I did graduate from school on time. I graduated with my three-year-old on my hip. So I was very proud of that because a lot of my family was expecting me to not graduate from high school. And I'm sure you better than I can tell you, I graduated, graduated on time with my class. Me and, you know, I think I was out of all the pregnant girls in the class, I was the only one who graduated. Most of them had dropped out, got kept back, or had other kids, not me.

Because in my mind, I was one and done. But, you know, I had my second daughter 10 years later. That's a big gap, though. You know, because all my life I said, I'm never getting married. I ain't never having no kids. It's just going to be me, and I'm going to do what I want. And, you know, I spoke those words. But, child, I did something else completely different. But, you know, and I went through life, living life, just doing whatever. to whoever.

You know, bad decisions, bad relationships. I was not a good partner back then. You know, I just used it and kept, you know, kept it moving. Okay, bye next. Bye next. You know, I just did things like that. And I didn't have any qualms about it.

Heather

It's said that the odds of a young girl getting pregnant at 14 and still graduating on time are slim, less than one in five. And the odds of her finding healing, purpose, and success beyond that, even smaller. But statistics don't tell the full story. They don't show the heart, the survival instinct, or the layers of pain beyond the choices people make. And what Shanti is beginning to reveal to us is that she grew up in an environment where there was no accountability.

And as she moved through life, she carried that same pattern with her. She had none, none to herself, none to her partners, none to her friends and family, and not even to her children. She put on a mask, the persona that said, I'm fine. I've got this. I'm in control. But beyond it, she was lost, disconnected from who she really was. And in that space, where everything looked put together on the outside, but was crumbling quietly on the inside, Shanti was about to be confronted with her own demons one Sunday morning.

Shawnti

Yeah, I woke up regular Sunday morning, but it wasn't a regular Sunday morning. I didn't feel good. And I thought, okay, well, maybe, you know, going through a funk, maybe my cycle's about to start, or whatever. So I'm like, okay, going on about my day, going about my days, it turns into days, weeks, and it turned into a whole month. I was acting crazy. And when I say acting crazy, I was having these weird mood swings that I have never had before, but the difference was I could not control them.

So whatever was coming out of me, that's what was coming out. So I was sad, and then it turned into crying, then it turned into withdrawals, cussing you out. It was every negative emotion. It was nothing, no happy, no smiling, no anything like that. After a month of that, I was like, okay, something's not right. This ain't PMS. So I went to my primary care doctor because I didn't know who to go to. I went to her telling her, hey, I'm acting weird. I don't know what's going on.

And I told her all the things that was going on. And she said, oh, it sounds like you're depressed. Let me get you some antidepressants. And I'm like, I don't want no antidepressants. I want to know why I'm acting like this. And she was like, I need you to go to the psychiatrist. And I'm like, okay. I don't want to see no psychiatrist because, of course, I'm an African and I didn't know any other African-American people who went to see psychiatrists, because when you hear the word psychiatrist, you think crazy.

Heather

When Shanti's doctor first told her she needed to see a psychiatrist, she hesitated. Not because she didn't trust her doctor, but because in her world, no one did that. For so many African American women, mental health care comes with layers of stigma. You're taught to pray about it, to push through it, to keep quiet. But to make an appointment with a psychiatrist, that can feel like stepping into unfamiliar territory, or worse, like admitting defeat. And statistically, she's not alone. Research shows that women of color are half as likely to seek mental health treatment as Caucasian women.

Only about 1 in 10 actually do. In fact, many, like Shanti, say they don't even know another woman like them who's gone into therapy or taken medication. The silence runs deep, generations deep. Because when your mother, your grandmother, and every woman before you learn to survive by staying strong, asking for help can feel like a betrayal. But here's what makes Shanti's story different. Even though everything in her culture, her community, and her conditioning told her not to go, she went anyhow.

She chose balance over fear, healing over stigma, and that small act of courage became her first step back to herself. Give the gift of calm. Dear Sweet One lullabies are personalized, astrology-inspired stories set to soft, soothing music, each one handcrafted to bring peace and connection. Whether you're welcoming a new baby, searching for a meaningful gift, or simply craving a moment of stillness, these lullabies are a beautiful way to say you are loved. Visit ChangeHappenedPodcast.com to order yours today.

Shawnti

Okay, I'm not crazy. I'm just wanting to know what's going on. But I went because I could feel myself turning physically aggressive. And I did not want that because I knew I was going to go to jail. I can't be walking around punching people in the throat for nothing. So I was like, okay, let me go to the psychiatrist. And I did. And told her what was going on. Mind you, it took me a whole month to see her. So that's two months now that I am having these weird mood swings that I couldn't control, but I still had to be a mom.

I still had to be a wife. I still had to be an employee, but I'm still going through all this stuff. So it was very hard holding that stuff together. I went to her and she was like, here, look, it's a matter of presence. And that's when I went off. I cussed that lady out so bad. And I'm like, why are y'all trying to drug me? I don't want that shit. I want to know what's wrong with me. It was awful. She referred me to a therapist.

She was like, you don't have to go see a therapist if you don't want medication. I'm like, okay, good. Why didn't somebody tell me this to begin with? It took me three therapists to find my therapist who was able to help me.

Heather

It's not uncommon for it to take a few tries before you find the right therapist. In fact, studies show that most people meet with two or three therapists before they find the one who truly fits their needs. And it can take several months to build the kind of trust it takes to make therapy work. Shanti laughs about it now, but her first two experiences weren't exactly success stories. The first therapist didn't quite get her, and the second one didn't even have the decency to call her back after their session. At the time, that hurt.

She told me maybe I was just a little too much for her. She chuckles about it today, but in the moment, it reinforced everything she already feared, and maybe she didn't belong in that kind of space. But she persevered. They also say the third time is a charm, And for Shanti, it was. Because this time, she found somebody who didn't flinch at her story. Someone who could hold the weight of the truth without trying to fix it right away. Someone who reminded her that healing isn't about being too much. It's about being real.

Shawnti

And by the time I got to my third therapist, Lord, I gave her the blues. I was full of attitude. I was like, look, you don't have to help me or I'm going to jail. If you can't help me, then fuck you. I was just everywhere. And she was just looking at me, and she was like, I'm going to help you. Don't worry about it. And she actually did help me. So she diagnosed me with severe anxiety and depression. That's why I was acting crazy and had lost control of my emotions and all of that stuff.

So that was very helpful to understand, to know why I'm acting like that and, you know, knowing that I really wasn't going berserk for no reason. And how I was before this, before that Saturday before and all the time before, I had that nervous breakdown, which is what I ended up having. That's what losing control of my emotions was.

Heather

So when Shanti woke up that Sunday morning, her mind had finally reached its breaking point. You know that place, the one where your body and mind just can't keep going the way it has been? Clinically, it's what happens when stress, trauma, and grief stack so high that everything inside you collapses under the weight. It's the body's way of saying, I can't keep doing this. And Shanti heard that message loud and clear. She knew something had to change. She knew she couldn't keep holding it all together on her own.

So she did the bravest thing she could. She asked for help. That moment right there, that's where her healing began. Because asking for help isn't weakness. It's courage. It's strength. It's saying, I still want to live. I just need someone to walk with me while I find my way back. And that decision, reaching out instead of shutting down, has become Shanti's mission. She's made it her purpose to help others do the same. Remind people that needing help doesn't make you broken.

It means you're ready to heal.

Shawnti

And I never wanted to be seen as weak. That's what led to that nervous breakdown. And, you know, once I got into talk therapy, I learned that all that stuff I was pretending I was okay with, I wasn't okay with it, and I was storing because I wasn't talking about it. Didn't have anyone to talk to or didn't want to talk to anybody. And, you know, I grew up in an environment where you don't talk to anybody about your business. You know, you don't go talk to strangers about what's going on in your life.

Or you don't talk to anybody outside of the house. What goes on in the house stays in the house. And, you know, I thought that was factual. I thought that was true. I thought that's what you were supposed to do. So I passed that on to my kids. I told them the same thing. Man, my health don't care what you look like, who you are, how much money you got, where you live. It does not care. It will come for you if you don't come for it.

Heather

She is so right. We all need to remember this truth. Mental health has no prejudices. And while Shanti was in therapy, she discovered one particular modality that truly helped her heal. And now it's become her life's work. And let me tell you, she's incredible. You can find all of her links in the show notes and on my website. But for now, I'll let her share the rest of her journey in her own words.

Shawnti

I created these guided journals for myself. My therapist taught me how to use guided journaling as a tool. She initially gave me prompts to deal with all of my issues. I had 26 different issues that I was dealing with. I went to the dollar store, bought me some notebooks, and I labeled each notebook whatever my issue was. And I used the prompts that she gave me and wrote in each one because I did learn that… That, you know, through this process that would work for me was writing in separate, separate issues, separate journal.

So, you know, because you don't want to entangle all of them at once. And that's what I also teach. I started doing it for myself. And once she broke up with me, because I let her tell people she broke up with me, I was seeing her for about a year. And when that year came, she was like, OK, Shanti, you don't need to see me anymore. You have the tools. You know what you're doing. And I was like, oh my gosh, you're breaking up with me. It was like a relationship breakup. I hated it.

But she said, no, I don't want you to use me as your crutch. So I had the respecter for that. So she was like, you guys are too, you know what you're doing. So I went home and wrote in my journals. And then, you know, once I started doing it on my own, I started feeling better. And I'm like, I can't believe I'm feeling better. Like, no, no, this ain't real. Like, me just answering prompts, you know, writing it down, that made me feel so much better. and I could not believe it.

You know, I said out loud, oh, I'm feeling better. And when I heard that, I heard a voice say, okay, you're feeling better. What about everybody else? There's somebody else out there that needs it. I'm like, wait a minute, what? I actually had no intention on going into business at all whatsoever. Let me just say that. So that's what I started doing. I said, okay. So I took my guided journals that I was using for myself. And, you know, I found someone to teach me how to make them, you know, so I can, you know, publish them.

And then I had them published. And then, you know, I started selling them. I started going to events. I started, you know, having my table with my journals, and people would come up and ask me, you know, I teach your books, because that's what they say, they'll never know they're not books. I said, these are guided journals, and I educate them on what it is, and I tell them a little snapshot of my story and how I got here, because I don't want to traumatize them, but I was just going from place to place, you know, just saying, hey, this is what helped me.

This happened to me. This is what helped me. Try it for yourself.

Heather

Shanti has taken a life that could have been lost and turned it into one filled with purpose. Today, she's a master certified mental health coach, the author of the bestselling book, Quiet is Kept, and the host of her own podcast show, The Quiet is Kept Podcast, where she speaks openly about her battles with mental health and helps others along the way. So I asked Shanti, after everything she's been through, what keeps her smiling today?

Shawnti

Knowing that I am living and walking and breathing in my purpose.

Heather

Walking in her purpose? It's simple. It's true. And when I asked her for one piece of advice, here's what she had to say.

Shawnti

You are not alone. You are not alone. You are worthy and deserving of the life that you want. You just have to go get it. It's already waiting for you, and you cannot let fear, guilt, or shame, or any person stop you from living the life that you deserve. Period.

Heather

Wise words from a woman who has come so far on her journey to find her way to living the life she deserves. I hope you'll take a moment to check out the work she does today. And if you know someone who could use this story to help lift them up today, please share it with them. And before we wrap up, here's your Change Challenge question for this week. How old was Shanti when she first got pregnant? Send in your answers through my website, changehappenedpodcast.com.

Click the Change Challenge button and submit your answers there. And you might just win this month's cozy tea or hat. You can enter every week, and every correct answer gets you another entry. Next week, I'll reveal the answer and a brand new question from next week's guest story. If this episode spoke to your heart, I'd love for you to visit changehappenedpodcast.com to join our monthly mailing list. It's also where stories like this continue, with blog reflections, more about each guest, and ways you can support the show.

And if you've got 30 seconds, leaving a review or five stars helps more people like you find stories like this. Think of it as paying for your coffee at the local coffee shop. Change happened, then what? It's written, edited, and produced by me, Heather Holt, with the loyal background vocals from my two sidekicks, Waylon and Dalton. Until next time, keep smiling and maybe let your dog produce your next big idea.

Return to Shawnti Refuge’s Guest Page