Sophie Malahieude: Episode Transcript

This transcript follows the spoken episode and has been formatted for readability.

Episode Transcript

Sophie

I thought I was doing well because I am a yoga teacher and I do my breathing and my meditation every day, except I didn't do well.

Heather

Welcome to Change Happened, Then What? I'm Heather Holt. If you're new here, I am so glad you found us. And if you have been walking through these stories with me for a while, welcome back. Before we get into Sophie's story, I want to take just a second to say hello to everyone listening in France. Hello! You have been a part of this community for a long time, and I'm so grateful that you keep coming back to these stories. Every time I see another country show up in the listener map, it reminds me just how far these conversations travel, and I truly appreciate you being here.

And today's story actually begins with a little girl in France. Looking at herself in a mirror, watching her own tears, and wondering what were they telling her.

Sophie

I am the youngest of 3 children. I grew up in France, and as far as I can remember, I had— how I would say that— I was very curious of everything that was around me. I remember playing in the backyard when I was maybe 6, 8 years old and thinking that there were more in life beyond what I was living. So I was very, very curious. And as far as I can remember, I always went beyond what I was seeing. For me, I had a very, you know, loving family, both by my parents, 2 big brothers, I was— I grew up in a small village, so I think I was very protective in a sense.

Heather

Safe and curious are not opposites. Sophie could feel loved and still wonder what existed underneath that obvious answer. One of her earliest memories of that curiosity was not philosophical at all. She was simply upset because her parents told her no.

Sophie

So I went in my, in my room and I was crying. Where are the tears coming from? So I was looking in the mirror and I was looking at my tears and say— and I was really trying to understanding what was behind the tears. The very interesting fact is that when I was doing that, I was so focused on trying to understand what it was about, those tears, that I forgot why I was crying. So, at that moment, I learned that later, but I was so much in the present moment, so much with the curiosity of what I was feeling, that it helped me just to, you know, make peace with whatever emotion I was feeling.

Heather

I think we can all remember a time when our parents said no to us and we stomped up the stairs and went to our room and cried. We thought it was the end of the world. But what Sophie did— this was a bit deeper than I had ever thought as a child. She studies the tears so seriously that she forgets the original complaint. and accidentally discovers that attention can change an emotion. And a few years later, the question became even bigger.

Sophie

Maybe I was 10 years old and I was in a summer camp. The facilitator was with us. One day we went for a walk in the forest and we sat at some place and we were all gathered around her and she asked us, well, is there any question that you are asking yourself. And so everyone was thinking of what question we could have at 10 years old. And I told her, you know what, I wonder why I am here on Earth.

And she looked at me, and probably she was 25 years old, and she looked at me and said, wow, Sophie, so I have the same question. So I asked her, do you know why I am here on Earth? So this is, this is the path, and all that took, um, more meaning in my life having this moment of, you know, questioning myself, uh, why I was here on Earth, what was my purpose.

Heather

This is a place I can relate to Sophie. I looked for years for that answer in almost all the same places. She would look for an answer in the Catholic faith she grew up with. She looked in school. She read about Buddhism. She was interested but kept running into the same problem. She didn't want another place where she had to fit herself into a shape someone else had already decided on.

Sophie

Well, I think I was a different type of thinker, particularly when I was looking for answers and I was going to, um, the church and the teaching of our religion. I was really coming from a place, for me, everything was love, everything was easy in a way that I was really feeling that I could love everyone. Even if I have challenge in my life, I was feeling in a certain ease. And for me, where I felt restricted and really it was not working for my way of thinking is that I grew up in, in, in, with Catholicism. And we were always trying to make amends. We were not good enough. Everyone else was good, but we were never good. And so that was, for me,

a challenge because at the essence of everything for me, everything was was easy and low. So I think that my search, I didn't find answer because everyone gave me rules and environment and shape. And I was looking for a different path. Still living in France, I was about 27, and I saw in the recreation center of my city that they were offering a yoga class. And I said, okay, so that seems to be interesting, the description. And it was an old philosophy.

I said, okay, I'm going to try that.

Heather

27. I find this age very interesting. I have talked to countless people whose lives have changed dramatically at that age, myself included. When Sophie was 27, she found a yoga class at a recreation center, still in France, for older people. And her first teacher, well— He was not exactly encouraging.

Sophie

So I went into the first class and the teacher right away says to me, oh, are you sure you want to come to this class? And I say, yeah, I saw the description. It's about philosophy. It's about taking care of ourselves. And I am open to that. I want to learn more about myself. And so the teacher said to me, you know, I don't think you're going to like it because usually people are older, like in the 60s, and 60 years old, so I don't think you are going to like it. And Anne insisted, please let me in. So the teacher said, okay, let's go there. And so I took the class, and I will tell you, the class was very slow-paced, some movement,

a lot of breathing, relaxation, meditation. So it was very, very slow-paced, and I understood that it was so difficult for me to stay And at the same time, I felt that there was something for me to keep looking for. And so at the end of the class, I went back to the teacher and I said to him, you know what, I really liked it. It was challenging for me, but I would like to come back. And he said, no, I don't want you back in my class.

Heather

I don't want you back in my class? What teacher has ever said that to a student? Apparently, Sophie's first yoga lesson included being told she was too restless for yoga. Anybody out there know this feeling? And she listened to him, at least for a while. But a year later, she and her husband would move to Germany. A coworker of his taught yoga at night. and invited Sophie to a class. And this time, the teacher did not ask her to fit in.

Sophie

But you know, I think that life has always a way to offer you what you are looking for. At that time, I was not really speaking very well, um, German, and he said, Sophie, it's okay, just come. So I went to the class. Honestly, I think I I probably understood 20% of what he was saying, but he was moving the body in different places, bringing a lot of awareness and mindfulness in the breath. Really, it was about turning all our senses inward.

It was a class where there was no music, so really following what we are feeling, and At some point during the class, he saw that I was struggling because I didn't understand what he was asking me to do. So he just came to me and said, Sophie, just practice from your heart. So I started just to look at him, look at the other people, how they were moving the body. I understood inhale and exhale, basically the only word I was understanding. So I was following the breath and It, you know, it obliged myself to turn inward, to be aware of what I was feeling in my body, to observe my heartbeat, to observe my breath, to observe my state of mind.

And that's the way I started to practice yoga. And by the end of the class, I was so— I was feeling so at home. I was thinking, oh my God, it's what I was looking for all my life. And I came back home and I said to my husband, you know what, I'm going to keep doing this practice. I feel it's great for me, and I will teach it one day. Mm-hmm. And so, it's how my journey started, because yoga is a path for self-discovery, for connection with ourselves, with other people, with something bigger than us.

Heather

I spent years teaching Kundalini yoga, so I understand why a practice that keeps returning you to the breath and awareness can feel like coming home. But the part of Sophie's story that has stayed with me was not the kind of yoga she chose. It was the reason she needed a place that felt like home. inside herself in the first place.

Sophie

I think also regarding my childhood, my mother had 3 children in 3 years, which means I have only 3 years from my oldest brother to— and me. It's important to understand that because it took a toll on my mother's health. As a child, I was already very sensitive and very observant of the energy around me. So I could feel the stress, the fatigue in my mother. And as a child, sometimes I was not aware, I was not understanding that when she was tired and she She might not have taken care of me the way I wanted her to take care of me. I took it as a rejection, which it was not.

She was tired. And that is important because it shaped my relationship with emotion later on. I was, I need to be, I needed to be validated. I needed to be reassured. That I was loved. I remember having a conversation as an adult with my mother, and she said, you know, Sophie, when you were 3 years old, you were holding on me all the time. You were always on my hand, always on my leg. When we were going to, you know, to walk somewhere with your brother and your dad, I needed to carry you, not your dad, just me. You were holding on me. like you were afraid I would just run away. And she said to me, actually, I didn't want to run away. I just wanted to go

in a room and sleep. This story that I had when I was an adult, and I had with my mother, I understood that this pattern shaped me to the woman I am today. Because I had to find my own way to come away It was his idea that I was not good enough to be loved.

Heather

I've said this before, but as adults, hindsight gives us a different perspective. Now we understand where our parents were coming from. But as a child, it's hard to feel loved when we are feeling pushed away. As adults, we can see that we can be loved and still misunderstand a moment. And that even though a parent can be doing their best, as a child, we may still build a story around what we felt back then. For Sophie, the story was simple and powerful: maybe I'm not good enough to be loved. And years later, losing her mother brought her back to that story.

Sophie

That shaped me to understand my emotions. That shaped me to find a place I was feeling home, because when I was— when I practiced yoga, I feel the connection within myself with something bigger than me, and I know I am loved. So I think that— and this story come later on. 10 years ago, my mother passed away. And when my mother passed away, I was devastated. And it took me in a path of going to the root of my suffering. And the root of my suffering was that as a child, I put myself in mind that my— I was not good enough to be loved. Mm-hmm.

Heather

She already had a practice. She taught yoga. She meditated. She understood breath and mindfulness. With all of these tools in her toolbox, she believed she was handling the loss well.

Sophie

So when 10 years ago, I went through the entire process, you know, and I turned towards something I knew. What did I know? I knew yoga, I knew mindfulness, I knew Ayurveda, I knew meditation, so I turned to all those tools and I understood that emotions are like everything else in life, it's energy. And energy needs to move. When an energy is blocked, it can be pain physically in the body, but it It can be pain in the mind, you know, kind of habit and behavior.

And so 10 years ago when I was so much suffering, my first— I thought I was doing well because I am a yoga teacher and I do my breathing and my meditation every day. Hmm. Except I didn't do Well, I was, I was, um, doing positivity. Every time I was thinking of my mom, I was sad, and it felt physically on my body. So every time I was thinking of my mother, I would say, Mom, everything is fine. I am okay. Well, except that 4 months after my mother passed away, I was out of breath All the time. I was going up the stairs, I was out of breath. I was walking for a little while, I was out of breath.

And there were no reason for that at all. And when I talked with my yoga mentor at that time, she just looked at me and she said, did you check with the doctor? Do you have any other condition in your lungs? No, no, I didn't hurt myself and I got a checkup a few weeks ago and all is fine, but I'm not fine. And she looked at me and she said, you know, Sophie, we hold grief in the lungs. And she let me sit with this thought and I realized that, you know, all yoga teacher I was, I understand I understood the concept. I understood the concept of prana and the life force and the energy. I didn't put it all

together as a clear experience in my body. And so when I decided— so I drove back home and I said, okay, Sophie, you know what? You didn't grieve. You think you were grieving, but you didn't grieve. You didn't do the process. Mm-hmm. And I've got to do the process.

Heather

The idea that grief is held in the lungs comes from the framework Sophie practices. It is not a medical diagnosis because shortness of breath can have many causes. But for Sophie, the answer was more of a spiritual one. She had already had a medical checkup, So that led her back to her beliefs. What mattered in that moment was not proving where grief lived in the body. It was that someone had finally interrupted the sentence Sophie kept repeating to herself, I'm okay.

And then she realized she was not. We'll be right back. This episode of Change Happened Then What is brought to you by Pure Energy Apothecary. One of the things I appreciate about Pure Energy Apothecary is the idea of being intentional about the little things we do to take care of ourselves, whether it is finding a moment to slow down, creating a little space for yourself, or simply paying more attention to what you need. Those small choices matter. Pure Energy Apothecary offers wellness products designed to be a part of those everyday self-care rituals.

Visit pureenergyvt.com to explore all of their offerings, and please use code PURECHANGE for your 20% off. Now, back to Sophie's story. Sophie went back to the body first. She used the practices she trusted, including yoga, breathing, meditation, and working with an energy healer. But this time, the goal was not to get rid of that feeling. It was to Follow it and allow all of the feelings in.

Sophie

And I started to do the process. And for me, the process started in my body since I was not able to breathe. And, uh, and then I, I started to cry and I started to feel the knot in my chest loosen. And the more and more I was diving into the Yeah. And when I felt the physical pain that I was feeling on my lungs, I realized that I was suppressing my emotion because of shame. So the first emotion I felt regarding my mom was anger. And who wants to be angry at someone who passed away and loved you all your life? So I was really feeling shameful until I was realizing that it was the emotion, the emotion has a purpose. And it's my responsibility

to understand the message that is beyond the emotion.

Heather

Anger was the emotion she least wanted to admit. I get it. I'm sure some of you listening out there can get it too. Not because her mother had been cruel, but because she loved her, and that made her anger feel disloyal. So Sophie kept asking what was underneath of it.

Sophie

I said, I, I thought every day I was sitting and doing strong breathing exercise And I was taking my story a little deeper and a little deeper. So, I was angry at my mother because I was thinking blah, blah, blah. And beyond the anger was the sadness. And beyond the sadness was the fear. And I realized, and when you go to the bottom of the emotion and what the feeling And beyond the fear, I realized that I have always been loved by my mom.

Heather

The feeling underneath the fear did not erase the anger. It changed what the anger meant. Sophie began looking at the expectations she had carried for years about what a good daughter was supposed to do and how she was supposed to be.

Sophie

And when I was angry at my mother, actually, I was not angry at my mother. I was angry at myself not to have showed up and stand up for myself. And let, you know, I let myself trying to be the daughter I thought my mother wanted me to be. Mm-hmm. Mm. My mother never asked me to do certain things, but I thought that as a good girl, I should do this and I should do that. And my parents, they are French, so they were living in France, and I was living in Germany, then we moved to the United States. And all those years when I was raising my young children, I felt guilty because my mother was in France and she couldn't

see my children because I was flying maybe once a year. And later after that, it was every other year. So I— and by the end of her life, all the, you know, kind of guilt I put on my shoulder moved into resentment.

Heather

I think this is one of the harder parts of grief. We do not only grieve the person, we often meet every unfinished conversation we had with them, every expectation we put on ourselves, and every version of that relationship we wished we had handled differently. Sophie stops asking whether those emotions made her good or bad, and she starts

Sophie

And again, I insist on the way emotion has something to say, because all the strong emotion showed me the path to understand that there is no reason to have resentment, there is no reason to have guilt, and there is no reason for me to be angry at my mother, because everything has been on my shoulder. I put myself in this situation. And when I realized that, then all my resentment, all my pain and suffering resolved. And now I can think of my mother with a lot of love, all the love. Do I have regret? I don't have regret.

It doesn't bring anything to have regrets, because regrets bring us in the past. What is done is done, and what was done the way it was done moved me to the place I am here now. Mm-hmm. So the mistakes I have done with my mom, I'm not going to do it with my dad, with my brothers, with my children, because I understood the message. To be myself, express myself, and always, if I am angry, if I am sad, if I am afraid, what does it tell me?

Heather

For Sophie, healing did not stay inside a yoga practice. It changed the way she wanted to love people who were still here, especially her children. She did not want closeness to become obligation, or love to become another reason someone had to make themselves smaller.

Sophie

Always being curious, always being open, and really I always remind them that I'm not going to judge them. Whatever they decide to do, whatever they have to say, they have to say it to me. A quick funny story. I was living in Florida for the past 3 and a half years, and we decided with my husband to move to Colorado. In Colorado, we moved to Colorado because there is 4 seasons. I like the forest, and I like the mountain. My husband too. Another point that is very important, that in Colorado, our 2 children, young adult children, they are living in Colorado.

Mm-hmm. So, it's a different dynamic that you have to create with our children. And my oldest son, one day, I felt he was not super excited with the idea that we would move to Colorado. I felt it. I understood that there was something, you know, kind of not said. So instead of creating an awkward situation, I said to my son, so you do not seem to be very excited that we are coming to Colorado. Is there a reason for that? And he said to me, Mom, you know, we are coming to Colorado, but I do not want you to think that we have to stay in Colorado forever.

If in a few years I have an opportunity to move into another state for a better job, or because I want to, I do not want to feel guilty. And I said to him, yes, very important for you to understand that. Yes, you are part of the reason we moved to Colorado, but that's not the only reason we moved to Colorado. And wherever you want to create your life and be happy, we will be happy for you. We don't require you to come every week because we are going to live close by.

You have to still live your life the way you want to live your life. And we see each other as we see each other. And so, and that was it. He was very happy with us. And there is no, you know, there is no, no fear. There is no resentment. There is no guilt or shame between, between us. And so that's the way I am with my children.

Heather

I believe there is a quiet connection between that conversation and the one Sophie had with herself after her mom died. She had spent years feeling guilty for living far away that did not keep her physically close to her parents. Now her son was asking for permission to build his own life without carrying responsibility for hers. Sophie knew exactly what she wanted him to hear: go live it. Her relationship with fear changed To, not because the fear went away, because Sophie will tell you she has had plenty of fear and been afraid many times.

Sophie

I have always been kind of an empath, created a lot of fear in my life. And, and that's a very interesting thing is that I always have been afraid of everything, and I still going moving forward. When I met my husband, my husband said, oh, I would like to live in a foreign country. And I said, oh, there is no way I am going to move to a foreign country because my parents are here in France, and I want to stay close to my parents. And I was afraid.

I was afraid to be far from my parents. And here we go. We moved to Germany. Mm-hmm. When we arrived in Germany, I said to my husband, so it's okay, I am, I am fine to live in a foreign country, but as long as it's in Europe. The place you are never going to bring me is United States because it's too far from my parents. Well, and guess what? 6 years later, we moved to United States. And so every time I am afraid of something, Somehow it might be the place I need to go.

Heather

It's not that fear is always a warning that you're on the wrong path. Sometimes it's simply evidence that the path asks something new of you, and Sophie has spent a lifetime trying to learn the difference between those two. Near the end of our conversation, I asked Sophie what she most wanted someone listening to understand. Her answer brought the whole story back to the same thing she had been choosing as a child in front of that mirror: pay attention, stay curious, do not rush past what you feel.

Sophie

For me, the way my life unfolds and the way I move I am now, the message for me is observe your emotions in a curious way. It's important to feel love, to feel joy, and we feel light and happy. At the same time, when we feel fear, sadness, or anger, there is a message. Thank you.

Heather

As always, as we wrapped up our conversation, I asked her, what makes you smile today?

Sophie

Any moment of connection and love. It might be being with my children at home. It can be having dinner with my husband, but it can be teaching yoga and the See the students relax and feel at home. Any moment of connection makes me smile. For example, in the street, if something happens and I look at a stranger and we smile at each other. I mean, all those moments, you know, those moments where we are 100% present in what we are living, make me smile. For example, right here, right now, you might not see it, but I am smiling.

Heather

I love that. I was smiling too. So I asked her my final question. What words of wisdom would you leave with anyone listening?

Sophie

Beyond everything is love. Always coming back to your, to your inner child and feel the love.

Heather

At 10 years old, Sophie asked a counselor why she was here on Earth. The counselor did not know. Decades later, Sophie still does not pretend life hands us one clean answer, but she has learned how she wants to meet it. Curious about what she feels, less willing to shame herself for anger, sadness or fear, less willing to make the people she loves responsible for expectations she created inside herself. Maybe that is not an answer to why we're here. Maybe it's just a way of being here.

Sophie

Every time I am afraid of something, somehow it My dream is the place I If you want to learn more about the work that Sophie is doing, you can find all of her links in the show notes and at changehappenedpodcast.

Heather

com under Season 4 Guests. You can also take a moment to sign up for our monthly newsletter. No junk, just a little extra love in your inbox. And don't forget to follow the show so you don't miss next Tuesday's story, Who Gets to Tell Your Story? featuring Jess Daniel. Until then, be curious about what you feel, be gentle with what you find, and we'll meet you back here next time. Because change happens. Then What? Change Happened, Then What? is written, edited, and produced by me, Heather Holt, at Holt Hill Studios, with supervision and multiple interruptions from Waylon and Dalton.

The shining hole, so welcome way. And call it grace. No progress blooms without the breaks.

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